Flash Fiction, unpublished, c.2008

‘I have friends in all political parties, I’m as green as the next man, but so long as they’re realistic. I mean we’re all in favour of global warning, I’ve seen plenty of programmes on the Discovery Channel, which incidentally I absolutely love, and I sat through most of the ex-Presdent’s documentary about the polar bears, though I have to admit it got a bit technical.

I just don’t see what the big fuss is about SUVs. I am just sick of the begrudgery from the kind of people who simply can’t afford them. Anyway, I’ve been contributing to charity for years. We’re talking big multiples here. I know that Trocaire have a campaign that includes fighting the effects of climate change so why shouldn’t I drive an SUV. I mean, I’m taking care of it.

The wife is involved constantly in charity balls and other events around the country. I think it is just great, that rich people like us can put a little back. Just the other day I was at a Japanese food demonstration charity event. It is great to see.

And you know, I am in favour of immigration, some of them are fantastic workers. Though I’m not sure about them staying, there is a lot of pressure on the schools and you have to look after your own.

This country is class. Personally, I think it is a really great country. Just look at the successful Irish people all over the world and tell me it’s not a class country. There is something special about being Irish, I am convinced of it. You go anywhere and they know all about you. I mean I’ve been all over Germany and they absolutely love the Irish. Even the English love us now that the troubles is over.

I really think that the world wouldn’t be the same if it wasn’t for us. I mean we were the land of saints and scholars. I was given a present of a book the other day called How the Irish Saved Civilisation. In actual fact, I reckon the whole world would be talking some Germanic language if it wasn’t for us.

Don’t get me wrong, some of my best friends are English, I’d be out at Cheltenham every year, but there is something about them. They hate us if we are rich. They reckon we have no class. I tell you I’ve bought more bottles of champagne in Cheltenham than the rest of them put together.

I love GAA, I follow the Meath team every year, I think it is a big part of being Irish. Though I have to admit I’m a huge Munster fan too. I go to all the away matches in France. My mother’s people are from Cork so that’s how I got in. It is great to be able to give the two fingers to the posh Leinster feckers from Dublin. All those Ross O’Carroll Kelly assholes.

I have to admit the sons are playing rugby. I sent them to Cloners, which is a class act, I have to say. They even offer golf in transition year. I’ve said to them many times. Make sure you’re good at sport. Nobody gives a shit about your qualifications, just keep your head above water and you can get into a civil engineering course. But of course the older one has started reading books and preaching to us about how we should lead our lives. He wants to do Arts, and he can’t even draw. I said to him, fine you can do that, and I’ll pay for it, but don’t preach to us about how we should treat our workers. I mean we pay one of the highest rates in Europe and organise accommodation, which I am sure is much better than they’re accustomed to.

I mean, I just can’t understand the news media. They always highlight problems. We are building a world class country at the moment, and all the civil servants want to talk about is energy rating and waste disposal violations. Why can’t these pen pushers just let us get on with our job. You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggheads!’

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